1. There’ll be a lot of traffic now- we want to be up there at 11 so we’ll leave at 7.30:
Ah yes, Irish mothers love to plan their trips to ‘the big shmoke’ (Dublin). It will ultimately end up with the whole family having to get up at some ungodly hour to ‘beat the traffic’.
2. Well there’s no recession around here!
Another firm favourite, Irish mothers love proclaiming about how there seems to be obvious economic success in the country due to the large numbers of people shopping.
3. Be careful and mind your money-you know what it’s like:
No shopping trip is complete without ample warning of muggers and ‘the likes’ around. This will be followed by warnings to put your phone away in the shopping centre only to later receive three texts from your mother saying 'Ans your fone'.
4. I might pop into Marks and Spencers for a while:
Ah-Marks and Spencers, a haven for the typical Irish mother. Despite her cries of the grocery shopping being too dear, Marks is her go-to call for clothes, and may be the only place she visits in the shopping centre.
5. I must get a pair of trousers for your father:
Whatever time of year, my father seems to need a new pair of trousers. I don’t think my father has ever bought trousers himself but he manages to have 12 pairs of the same colour beige which mammy declares as being ‘lovely’. Bought in Marks and Spencers, of course.
6. I got myself a lovely jacket:
She will proudly show off this jacket at every occasion, but also over-contemplate saying, “I dunno, I’m a bit iffy about it.” The best thing to do in this situation is agree that it looks lovely on her, yes it’s very good value for money and of course she can wear it to the wedding next year.
7. Dublin is grand for the day-but I wouldn't like to live here:
The Irish mother will often pause for thought after the day’s shopping, usually in the car as her husband curses the traffic going down the M7. On reflection, the Irish mother will comment on how well she did with all her shopping today, how she got ‘all her bits’ done and how even though Dublin might be grand for the day, she wouldn't like to live there.
"Laois? Laois."
Now that I've become more worldly and travelled (yes, I go to college in Limerick), I have noticed that very few people are aware of where Laois is, or if it is a county at all. I have decided to reply to some of the most commonly asked questions.
1. "Is Laois a county?"
Ah yes, many people outside of the Midlands do not know or acknowledge that Laois is an actual county, not just a stop-off on the way to Dublin.
2. "Is Laois in Portlaoise?"
Another popular question I've been asked. To clarify, Portlaoise is the county town of Laois, whereas Laois is the actual county. Portlaoise is just 'Da Town'.
3. "Laois and Leitrim - I always get those two mixed up"
No, you can't just stick us in with Leitrim because we both major in farming industries, or have a passion of going to the bog and enjoy using the words Yoke, Savage and describing a person as "Yer Wan".
4. "Why do do people from Laois have a flat accent?"
If know anyone from Laois, you have probably realised that t's and d's are dropped from words like there's no tomorrow and the 'th' may as well be forgotten about. For example, the popular brand of snack, Tayto, is pronounced as Tay-ho. The same applies for pronouncing the river Thames as the river 'Tames' and 'this, that, these and those' as 'dis, dat, dese and dose'.
5. "Is that the place with the Prison?"
Other towns and cities across Ireland may have cathedrals, castles and historical monuments- Laois has Portlaoise Prison. People from Laois can boast that it is Ireland's only high security prison and this remains a highlight for Laois' tourism industry. Claim to fame: John Gilligan rang Joe Duffy's Liveline from inside the prison which made many Dublin listeners aware that there is such a place as Laois.
Six stereotypes you’ll find at the Electric Picnic
A common sight at events such as the Electric Picnic. Can often be seen carrying multiple crates of beer and is always up for a session. The music simply accompanies the drink for this festival go-er and as a result, they rarely venture out of the campsite.
The 15 year-old wannabe hipster girl:
We all know them. Flower handband, a kimono and shorts stuck to their legs. This type of girl is here for one thing and one thing only: to let others know she was here. A Facebook status, a photo album dedicated to the event and multiple Instagram posts will confirm this. Is often seen looking to get on the shoulders of young lads during a concert to get that ultimate crowd selfie.
The Cultured Artist (also known as the tortured artist):
The original hipster. Seen moping around the lesser-known sites, disregarding anything that seems too mainstream. Will ultimately express their views about music and what they believe music to be, even without you asking. Body and Soul provides a refuge for this creative bunch.
The Stoners:
For lack of a better word, the stoners are instantly recognisable at any outdoor event. Smelling like burnt grass and Lynx, this lot are purely here for the excuse to use a prohibited substance. Can be heard saying: “Awh man, my head is fried” up to 50 times a day.
The Girl that only knows one song:
This one speaks for itself. She pays €180 for a ticket to acts she has never heard of, apart from the headliners of course. An arch-enemy of the cultured artist.
The Parents:
Ah yes, how could we forget the parents? Young parents seem to make a dash for the Electric Picnic every year, hanging around the face painting and smaller settings and steering well away from the campsites. Will have rucksacks filled with crisps and sandwiches ready to go 24/7.
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