A Newbies Guide to the Gym

My New Years’ Resolution this year was to get fit. It’s not the most original Resolution but since I have already paid for gym membership I am going to have to use it sometime.

The gym is packed. You can clearly see the different cliques on the floor. There are the fit, business women who look like they come here every lunch break and maybe attend a Pilates class once or twice a week.

Then there’s the ‘Pros’- which are essentially just a group of chaps who like looking in the full-length mirror while lifting weights and talk about the ‘power rack’, whatever that is.

I go over to the group where I feel most at ease, the fellow Newbies. Easy to spot out because they’re looking at the gym equipment like it’s from Mars-which is exactly how I feel.

The actual workout gets off to a slow start. I spend most of my time trying to read the instructions on the damn machines and I can see a queue of irate regulars lining up behind me. I quickly jump off the machine and go to another one.

It’s an even harder contraption to manage- a leg press thingy and I manage to get tangled up in it somehow. If anyone is watching through security CCTV cameras I’d say they are having a good laugh.

After untangling myself from the machine I go over to the treadmill. Ah, this should be easy enough to use! I hopped on and ran enthusiastically for the first five minutes. I could feel the calories burning. Yes. I look down at the machine to see how much calories I’ve burned. 5. Jesus Christ I ate about 500 calories on the way over here.

 I look around what everyone else is doing and a moment of realisation hits me-I am paying a full gym membership to run. I hate running, I usually avoid it completely and now I’m paying for something that I can do anywhere, for free?

“Feck this”, I thought, “There’s a restaurant downstairs.”